A small but growing part of me is convinced that I am secretly meant to be alone and, God hasn’t had the heart to tell me yet. That I’m just a little too…or a little not enough…or the wrong kind of crazy to have a life compatible with anyone else’s.
I’m proud of my life. But it’s taken me so long to get to a place of function, and now that I’m here it takes all of my effort not to slide back into oblivion. I’m not moving forward. In the ocean of life, my epic odyssey is a doggie paddle to keep head above water.
I can’t help but be envious of the team rowers and the synchronized swimmers who don’t seem fazed by wind or wave. That’s right, in this analogy we’re all in the ocean. And I’m the one who is not-drowning.
You know that kid, right? That one who is swimming ok until she unexpectedly splashes water into her own face and assumes she is drowning. She will flail against her own flailing until she realizes she has never been in danger, and announces more to herself than the unconcerned crowd that she is ok. She’ll scan the horizon for one expression of relief to connect with – one SOUL who cares that she is alive – one SOUL to be her MATE – because she believes that is EXACTLY what a spark of eye contact on the damp surface of her unstable existence would indicate. She’ll find the horizon empty every time.
Spaz in the water.
Awesome quotes from my students just since the new year:
4-yr-old: My daddy has a brain, but he doesn’t know how to play piano.
4th grader: Oh, I learned those notes; I just didn’t know I was going to have to play them.
Kindergartener: I was sick last year because I threw up 300 times and had to go home for two days.
I don’t want to be home alone, and I don’t want to go to sleep. I’m afraid the Dark might eat me. I’m afraid I might be losing. I hate having to call the doctor. It always feels like defeat, but I suppose a call to pick me up is better than a call to dig me out.
I’m kind of in a funk today. Been under a cloud for days. It scares me a little. I keep checking the grass. That was always my litmus test, the grass. When it loses its green, when the roadside flowers fade, when all of God’s colors turn to grey like ash after even the hard heat of fire dies…then I’m in trouble. I fight back tears in public and superfluous sleep at home, but the reds and the blues and – God bless them – the greens maintain their integrity.
And so I tell myself it’s just a funk, and I make plans to clean my apartment when I know that planning is just postponing.
I make lists of the things I hate to remind myself that I can hate; and lists of the people who love to hear from me; and lists of the things and activities that keep my life running smoothly so I will continue to do some of them some of the time until the funk passes.
I need to keep caring. I NEED to hold onto that spark of give-a-damn. It’s slipping. And I know, next goes the grass.
Sacrifice doesn’t ask how we feel. Discipline doesn’t care much either.
© 1973 Paramount HE. All rights reserved
- 10. While crying and fainting may not solve your problems, it can certainly endear others to your cause.
- 09. Loved ones die. No sugar-coated euphemisms about it. But death – while sad – is natural and eventual, and does not have to be frightening.
- 08. To have an extensive vocabulary is damn cool.
- 07. While love may equal self-sacrifice, it does not equal the sacrifice of personal growth.
- 06. What we look like does not determine our value or dictate our future.
- 05. People rarely think when mass media will do it for them.
- 04. Only children can converse with talking animals. Those of you who never had this experience either A) never really had a childhood, B) went through puberty WAY too early, or C) should have employed a talking goose to teach your dumb animal the art of articulation.
- 03. Everything living has beauty and purpose. Even spiders that are only cute while animated.
- 02. Friendship can overcome even classicism and speciesism.
- 01. The second most awesome word in the English(ish) language to say aloud is Smorgasbord, losing the prize to its only rhyming word: Orgasbord!
I raise my glass to Nostalgia, and pour a little out for my fallen homie lost to this world, Imagination.
The first thing to master with regards to basic engine maintenance (including oil changes) is how to pop open the hood of your car…before you’re stranded at a gas station alternately shoving and beating on said hood in the cold.
Happy New Year from your resident Spaz.