Spaz in the Grass

I’m kind of in a funk today. Been under a cloud for days. It scares me a little. I keep checking the grass. That was always my litmus test, the grass. When it loses its green, when the roadside flowers fade, when all of God’s colors turn to grey like ash after even the hard heat of fire dies…then I’m in trouble. I fight back tears in public and superfluous sleep at home, but the reds and the blues and – God bless them – the greens maintain their integrity.

And so I tell myself it’s just a funk, and I make plans to clean my apartment when I know that planning is just postponing.

I make lists of the things I hate to remind myself that I can hate; and lists of the people who love to hear from me; and lists of the things and activities that keep my life running smoothly so I will continue to do some of them some of the time until the funk passes. 

I need to keep caring. I NEED to hold onto that spark of give-a-damn. It’s slipping. And I know, next goes the grass.


3 thoughts on “Spaz in the Grass

  1. It’s great that you have a litmus test – something outside yourself to help monitor or sort of measure what’s going on inside. I kinda do, but I’m not always as on top of it as you sound like. Funnily enough, mine’s to do with plants, too: if I don’t get a flash of joy looking at my flowers, then I ought to twig that I’m not on top of things. But sometimes I don’t, the moment slips by.
    Thanks for helping me see that! I appreciate it. Another tool in the toolkit.

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